It’s been 2 months since I last posted and life is pretty different – the floodgates opened!
I recall in those early days reading through people’s posts who were out there living life and it’s what reminded me to keep going and one day I’d be in that position too – so I’ve sat down tonight to make sure I wrote this post.
I’ve had agoraphobia for about 18 months and I threw myself into cracking it ‘the old way’ – by doing a shed load of worksheets and exercises and fortnightly CBT – and it was healing what I call the superficial bit – exposing myself to ‘things that scared me’ like trains, long journeys etc and I had a neatly drawn out list of all ‘the things I’m afraid of’ which were scored based on how scared I was of those things.
Then I became unwell a year ago and all the hard work was undone but in reality highlighted that not only I didn’t know how to deal with agoraphobia but I didn’t know how to manage the feelings of being unwell, being off work, being scared for my life and of losing my house. I had made no progress in healing the relationship I had with discomfort.
I had focused on ‘the things I was scared of’ and never realized I didn’t overnight become afraid of flying or leaving my house, I had become scared of feeling scared / panicked and feeling any sensations that I associated with panic.
Well anyways, I’m here to tell you – bin the scored hierarchy list, read and absorb and most importantly, build in to your daily life, every post Michelle Cavanaugh Dare and Aida Beco post.
I have focussed solely on my attitude, my response, my reaction – whatever you want to call it – to when the feelings arise and that is ultimately what’s led me to being pretty much CURED. Spoiler alert: there isn’t a cure because this isn’t a disease. When I say cured, what I really mean is I’ve cracked the code of saying to my brain ‘oh well let’s see’ and to shrugging my shoulders when whooshes show up.
3 months ago I sat having not been on the train for over a year and I started there – I eased myself in and sat at the station then went one stop, then two, three etc. Next thing I stopped even counting the stops because I became desensitized to the whoosh and genuinely didn’t care if it showed up. Next thing I was booking nail appointments, hospital appointments, driving on my own without really thinking or being bothered too much about it – was anxiety there, yes 100% but showing up less and less.
This week I went to the hairdressers for the first time in 2 years. Someone said to ease myself in and go for 30 mins, 60 mins etc but as you do more, you no longer need the small increments because you finally uncover the lie that is anxiety. I was there for 3 hours, got my hair coloured and laughed with my hairdresser (whilst I had nervous energy running throughout.
I’ve got an MRI next week, I’m going to a work meeting tomorrow (haven’t been at work in a year due to my chronic fatigue), I use public transport 2-4 times a week and don’t think about it, I drive in traffic, go in to busy shops, been at markets, use elevators, last night I went and seen the Christmas lights in central London on my own after work (on a packed train, sweating because I had 6 layers on) and tonight my husband and I went for dinner together in central London in a packed restaurant. I’ve just booked a Christmas concert for next week and at the end of the month I’m going home to Scotland 8 hours away.
A year ago I was almost housebound. I cried when my husband left for a few days and never went out when he was away with work. I panicked, having baths and eating certain foods. Going to the pub 2 mins away felt like the biggest challenge and I felt like I needed to run home anywhere I went.
There is light at the end of the tunnel – I promise you. But I can also promise you that you can only break through that tunnel by doing. I can’t describe to you how different my brain is – I thought and listened to dare calls and read books for months and they gave me the tools – but nothing can shift your brain and build those new behaviors and make you have a different attitude to living threw those experiences that you’re terrified of, but you go and do it and at the end you realize it was fine. You have to do it and live it.
It is not the ‘things you’re afraid of.’ You are not afraid of riding a bus or being 3 miles from home. Do not let your brain let you play into this narrative. It isn’t the what – it’s the how you feel.
I’ve been able to apply DARE to every aspect of my life and am learning to use it in new ways everyday. I used to get so agitated when I felt sick and now I diffuse and accept those feelings too.
I used to ask people regularly on here how did you get better, and the answer was always the same – I just didn’t want it to be the answer as I didn’t want to have to sit through discomfort. But life will be uncomfortable, people will die and get sick, people will lose jobs and get divorced and dare has really taught me to roll with the punches.
A few of the things Michelle has said that have stuck with me and helped:
- Two things keep you trapped – resistance and involvement. Ask yourself am I resisting and am I getting involved with these thoughts (entering into a conversation with them. Drop the resistance and…
- Thoughts are thoughts. They bear no relevance, they aren’t real, they can be about anything and everything so don’t let them suck you in. I say to myself ‘that’s a thought’ when my brain tells me to get back home because you’re 3 miles away (over and over if it keeps cropping up)
- How are you acting? Is your body relaxed or tense? Are you acting like there’s danger? If so, anxiety will continue to circle. ACT like you’re relaxed even if you’re faking it
- Acceptance is an action not a thought. You can’t just say it, you have to act like you accept what’s happening
- And a favorite from Aida – the anxiety will continue to show up as long as you listen to it. This was a game changer – every time I listened to the anxiety and acted on it, I told myself that it will show up next time. This is what led me to stop listening to it and really pushing through – I knew it was the only way out
So many people have helped me here and I will forever repay the favor. I’m by no means back to my full self I was before this but I’m so close and I know time and continuing to repeat, repeat, repeat will see me through.
❤️ Claire