Thousands of people, I never thought I could do this 💜 Thank you DARE.
Eight years of crippling anxiety; afraid to leave my home at times, afraid to leave my room. Stuck in my bed for several years, always listening outside of my window to hear my family enjoying their lives and playing while I laid in bed petrified to leave—terrified that something was going to happen, stuck in my body that was failing me.
Over a thousand hospital visits just to tell me nothing was wrong; it was anxiety. Countless doctor’s appointments for them to check me to see what was going on with me, always to be told it was anxiety. Every paramedic in town knew my name, hundreds of 911 calls because I thought I was dying. Therapy after therapy, class after class, “if I could leave my house to go,” and nothing would help me.
I remember sitting in a drive-thru for food and panicking so bad because I couldn’t back up or go forward. Sitting in traffic would send me into a terrifying panic attack where I was pouring water all over myself, trying to breathe, not being able to breathe, crying. I no longer could have my grandchildren drive with me because I was terrified that something was going to happen to me or I was going to have a panic attack in front of them. I stopped living my life.
A few years ago, I came across the DARE app and started to listen to it. I slowly started implementing what Barry was saying, still with so much resistance though. I would get frustrated because it wasn’t working, but I kept on listening and kept on trying. I remember my first breakthrough moment.
I was terrified to leave the house, but I really wanted to go look at a piece of furniture. So, I mustered up the courage to get in the car. My whole body was reacting; my heart was racing, I was short of breath. I thought, “Okay, yep, my body is sending me signals right now. I’m just going to let it be what it’s going to be.” During the drive, I had a full-blown panic attack, and I was about ready to turn around. Then, I remembered what Barry had said in one of the morning meditations, something along the lines that if you continue to be afraid of the anxiety and let it win each and every time, it’s just going to persist and get stronger.
So, with that in mind, terrified, gripping the wheel, panicking, crying, water all over me—I stayed with it. I got to the store; I didn’t want to go into the store. I was terrified to go in because I was still experiencing every single feeling of panic. But I said no, I’m going to do this afraid! I was telling my body, “Come on, give me more. If I’m going to die, I’m going to die, but at least I’m going to die trying.” I got out of the car, got into the store, and started talking to the people. I explained, “I’m so sorry; I have really bad anxiety.” They were kind, and we just started walking around the showroom. Before I knew it, I was regulated; the feelings of panic went away. When I got back to the car, I started crying; I was so proud of myself for doing it. I was so proud of myself for chasing after my anxiety instead of my anxiety chasing after me!
I was able to do it that time, and I kept that in mind because I had several more times after that that it was hard, and that I did turn around because I was afraid. But I kept putting the skills to work. When I completely surrendered and basically got comfortable with saying, if I die, well then I die, at least I die while I’m trying to live my life. Every single time I feel anxiety, I say that. From time to time, I do still feel anxiety, just yesterday. But instead of being scared or angry at it, I imagine myself holding it and comforting it because for whatever reason, I needed to show up.
I never in a million years, while I was laying in bed, pretty much cut off from the entire world, hopeless, wanting to be a part of my family’s lives, I never thought that I could go to a basketball game and be in a stadium of thousands of people and be okay. I had a very traumatic childhood; I’ve had big traumas in my adult life, and I’ve been through therapy for years. The skills that DARE has taught me are priceless. I personally have not found in all my therapy anything that really works like this! And I’m not saying don’t go to therapy; I still go to therapy. What I am saying is I was once the person scrolling through the DARE Facebook feed looking at all the people having success stories, thinking, how do they do it? I’m never going to do that. How, how, how? And now I’m on the other side of that.
I promise if you hang in there, do the work, you too will be on this side! It does take time and persistence! But I promise it’s attainable! Much love 💕
❤️ Jenifer K.