Two Christmases ago I couldn’t even go into a coffee shop because I couldn’t manage a queue of 4 or 5 people.
I had to wait outside the shops while my wife did the Christmas shopping. Panic and avoidance controlled my life. I was missing out on life.
I stumbled through 2022 with very little knowledge of how to overcome it, struggling with the most basic things but waking up and going again every day because I had to be there for my family. I feared I would never recover.
My wife and I were expecting in March 2023 and something had to change. Being a good dad, confident enough to take my little boy out and be present in his life was priority number one, nothing else mattered. I had a reason.
In January 2023 I was introduced to DARE (and the work of Clare Weekes). I implemented their philosophy like my life depended on it. It basically did. I challenged myself to do something that scared me as often as I could. No matter how small, no matter how I felt, now matter how I thought it might go.
“If you can’t beat the fear, do it scared” became my mantra. Walking my dog around the neighbourhood was my entry point. Coffee shops, grocery shopping and meals out etc were the early staples. If my wife and I were going out, I would drive. Every time. No matter what. Sometimes these challenges would have me shaking, sweating and near tears. But I did it anyway. Panic would have to kill me.
Through the year my challenges got bigger as my confidence grew. Major highlights include sitting through the birth of my perfect baby boy (probably the one I was worried about most), getting a tattoo, a stadium tour of my brothers football club, baby classes with my boy, going on holiday to Turkey and seeing Luke Combs live at the O2 in London.
Throughout the year I had regular set backs, often immediately after a ‘big’ challenge, even if it went well! But I learnt to expect them and accept them, keep doing the right things and trust the process. It hasn’t been plain sailing, but having had a taste of what acceptance can achieve I know now that it is the way out.
Earlier into my recovery journey, my wife gifted me a stadium tour of the football club I’ve supported all my life. Non-matchday, self-guided (a little bit quieter and no pressure to follow a large crowd). A long drive in and out of London. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but it was important to me and I wanted to do it.
I gave myself a ‘free hit’ to feel as much as my anxiety could throw at me without judgement. If I needed to have a break I wouldn’t be mad. The day actually went brilliantly, I was so excited and distracted I had very little chance for panic.
I told my wife that day that by the end of the year I would get to a match. A long drive to the train station, multiple trains into London and a full stadium .. 65,000 people. If I could do that, I could do anything.
Well.. this weekend just been, I did it. And it went brilliantly. I was so accepting of the fact that I would panic and so willing to feel the fear that .. I didn’t. It might have even been the lowest panic day I’ve had for months. And now I feel on top of the world.
I know I’ll still feel panic, I know I’ll still feel fear. But I know I can do it anyway. Because I did.
#todareistodo
❤️ Matt M.