It hit me in January after having Covid following tonsillitis.
The photo on the left was me mid breakdown. I’m sure everyone knows all the feelings which come with the picture on the left – honestly the darkest time of my life and thought I would end up being sectioned. Panic was with me all day every day. Nausea, stomach issues, couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, intrusive thoughts, you name it. Went from 8 stone 13 to 7 stone 2. Medication only made things worse and I was pretty much housebound and unable to work in a job I love.
Then came the depression. I cried in those few months more than I ever have in my life. Real painful cries like someone had died. I couldn’t be anything but horizontal. I never had any thoughts of harming myself, but if there was a button I could press to end my life, I would have pressed it without hesitation. Every day I woke up wondering how I was going to get through another day. As someone who loved everything about life, it was certainly a shock to the system.
THEN I started to DARE. I read about the science behind what was happening to me – that was a very important first step to be able to accept my symptoms as “just anxiety”. Then I started doing little things. Going to my local shop for a pint of milk was one of my first challenges, and my gosh, was it a challenge! Everything in me was telling me to run.
Then I started going in my car for short trips – everything inside me telling me to abandon my car on the side of the road. I would be here all day if I went through all the challenges I set myself, but I worked my way up very slowly. But most importantly, my symptoms would be going crazy as soon as i decided to do something. They were trying to get me to stay home, but I just gave the “so what” attitude (barely believing myself at times!) and did it anyway – and they started to ease!
There were so many ups followed by horrendous downs at the start, and I really let the downs pull me under, until I learnt than the downs are absolutely fine and also need a big “so what”. I began spending more and more time out of “fight or flight” mode which was such a breakthrough and it’s because I had started to engage with life again.
It’s been one hell of a journey and I still have a LONG way to go, life is still a struggle, but I’m back at work and tackling my “top tier” fear scenarios now from my “anxiety recovery bucket list”. I know that I would still be picture number 1 if I hadn’t started to DARE. But instead, picture number 2 is me at a friend’s wedding this weekend which was a 120 mile drive.
It’s certainly not easy, but it’s worth it. When I was at my worst, it was success stories which kept me going as it gave me hope that I could get better; something I didn’t feel was possible at the time, so I’m really chuffed to say that I think I’m getting there… slowly.
P.S. you are the only people I would share picture number 1 with!
❤️ Amy L.