First time out in almost 3 years!
I’ve struggled with anxiety and panic attacks since my son was born 13 years ago. I tried SO many different things to get it to “go away” over the years. I was “managing” life and it until 2020.
Right as Covid hit, my healthy, 58 year old dad was diagnosed with terminal kidney cancer and only lived 6 weeks from diagnosis. He worked on Friday, mowed the grass Friday night and woke up Saturday with a distended stomach, disoriented and mom took him to the ER. It had already metastasized to his brain so he was never the same—a switch flipped overnight and those 6 weeks were hell. Because of Covid regulations I only got to see him once before he passed. ONCE. It was heartbreaking. My mom was quarantined with him in his hospice room alone for 13 days while he passed. She couldn’t leave or she wasn’t allowed back in. We couldn’t even have a proper funeral for him. Losing a loved one during Covid was a true nightmare.
I spiraled down the worst anxiety and panic loop after he was gone. I didn’t leave my house—but my house wasn’t even safe. I was afraid to shower—I was afraid to use the bathroom, I was afraid to sleep…I was basically a walking panic attack all the time. You name the symptom—I had it. I found DARE in 2021 and “tried” it (I really didn’t but I thought I did)—gave up on it because it didn’t “work”.
About 6 months ago I hit the lowest of lows and actually called an ambulance because I had an attack so bad I thought my heart was going to explode (spoiler alert—it didn’t). That was it for me. I knew I had to get myself out of this.
So I pulled my DARE book back out, I ordered the workbook, downloaded the app and started listening to the podcasts. It’s such an easy concept but REALLY hard to do. There was a lot of acceptance I had to work on. I was still struggling. And then one day I heard Aida on a podcast say that the opposite of fear is trust. And it clicked. I stopped trusting myself and my body. That moment changed me.
Since then I’ve been able to drive my son to and from school, my panic attacks at home have stopped (I love taking baths and showering again lol 😂 🙈) and today I WENT SHOPPING and ENJOYED IT!!
There was a point I thought my life was over as I knew it BUT watching everyone’s stories here on this page and listening to Michelle and Aida helped me realize so many things that I’m now working on. I still have so much I want to do—like conquer driving on the interstate again—but I’m taking it one DARE at a time and today was a HUGE win!
It’s not easy—and it’s not comfortable BUT a day like today showed me it is possible to live with this and still enjoy life. I’m so thankful for DARE and the tools I now have to start living life again!
❤️ Heather K.